Failure [a reflection]

I have no problem with learning from mistakes - as someone just out of adolescence, I have a full and thorough understanding of how to avoid making the same one twice.

But failure - that's another story.

Last week I had one of those heart-shattering experiences. One that makes you doubt what you're doing, why you're doing it, and whether you're actually cut out for it. I'm not going to go into the details, but it was for placement and my first real attempt at executing something I had planned on my own.

On paper,my plans looked great. Well thought out and carefully planned.

In practice, I bombed out spectacularly.

Prior to this, I had been living in a safe little cocoon, one where I knew my strengths and weaknesses, my skills and abilities - and never strayed from them. I plan until things all work out beautifully hypothetically, and then I plan some more, just in case. Over the past twelve months I have been doing a lot of personal development in this area, through my study, placements and during the Wodonga City Council's Youth Leadership Program. I had learnt to trust my gut, felt my own ideas had credit, and was just starting to ease myself out of my comfort zone.

On that day last week, I wanted to shut myself away in study and housewife land where it was safe and never, ever venture out again. 

I was mad at myself for putting myself out there, to just fall flat on my face. I was upset that I didn't perform at the standard I had expected myself too. I was anxious at the idea of having to return and try again. I feared all of that hard work I had put in over the past twelve months had been unraveled and wasted. 

It's been almost a week, and I've had a lot of time to reflect. 

I'm actually now thankful for the experience. I have already learnt to tackle this thing I plan from a different angle, and to have contingencies. Sure, I'm beyond anxious about returning again soon, but I'm building resilience by doing so.  

And really, if that's how bad failure (in this context, I'm sure there's a lot worse out there) feels, then hey, I can handle it.

I started thinking about the people I admire and what they have achieved. I'm sure they had many set-backs and I doubt they were perfect on their first day.

Someone at Leadership last year actually said to me "don't be afraid of failure". I'm really thankful for that simple piece of advice, a seed really, that was planted back then.

So this experience has turned into something that symbolises other parts of my life. Time to put myself back out there, I have a lot more to give.

Hey Mum - I Get It Now

Mother's Day is just around the corner. It's not something that is heavily celebrated in my family; really, being appreciative of your mother is something that should probably be displayed daily.

I started composing a little list in my mind this morning. In the same vein as mothers day, I'd like to dedicate it to my mother.

Stuff That Drives Me Crazy (That I Just Realised My Mother Probably Had To Put Up With Too)

1. Being yelled at from the other end of the house. 
2. Having to share my shower.
3. Being yelled at from the other end of the house on the rare occasion I do get to shower on my own.
4. Planning something you're so sure your child will enjoy, and on that particular day they show no interest in the activity at all.
5. Answering the same question fifty billion times in five minutes.
6. Answering the same question fifty billion times all over again ten minutes later.
7. The child enjoying food prepared one way, but detesting it another. i.e. corn on the cob vs loose. Potatoes cut up to look like chips vs. potato any other way.
8. Having to look after everyone in the house when they're sick. But when I am sick, a) there is no one to look after me and b) I still have to look after everyone else.
9. My child choosing to ask for something to eat every time I go to the bathroom. Seriously kid, I'm trying to pee.
10. Stalling at bed time.
11. Procrastinating in the morning over getting ready, when the child knows that after they get ready, they can have/do something they want.
12. The fact that we are so very particular about how certain things have to be, yet we are incapable of tidying up our playthings.
13. The fact that 99% of my "coffee dates" with friends now end up in a toy department so we can finish our conversation.
14. Being out of routine means the world is close to ending.
15. The fact that I actually spend my spare time thinking these lists up.

So, thanks mum for putting up with this nonsense from my siblings and I. 

I get it now, we really were pains in the butt.

Hello, Reality.

Most of the time, it is all too easy to keep on The Face. You know the one - The Mother Face.
The face that says "Hi, I'm a parent and I handle everything super well and everything is wonderful and I'm amazing at life".

Today is not one of those days.

I woke up this morning with big storm clouds swirling around in my head. I can't remember the last time I got a decent nights sleep - pretty sure I was awake every two hours last night. My house is a disaster zone, I haven't been on top of housework all week. I have a to-do list a mile long, and half the things on that list are half-planned and confusing. I have two assessments to start. I feel like I'm not spending enough time engaging with Boo. I haven't been looking after myself well lately.

Life is starting to spiral out of control and I am struggling to get it together.

I'm stressed, tense, anxious and starting to show my warning signs of a relapse into depression.

I am far from functioning well.

So why am I posting this?

I'm not after sympathy. I'm not even really whinging and moaning about life. And I'm certainly not after any kind of help. In fact, I already have a management plan ready to go.

A lot of the time I feel there is so much pressure on mothers to appear to function perfectly.To be the best mother. The best housekeeper. To work or study or both, and to thrive. To have a social life. To balance it all perfectly. And so that's what we show the world.

Who does all this pressure come from? Good Question. Probably everywhere - other mums, media, etc etc etc. But mostly - I think it comes from ourselves.

No one really wants to admit that they struggle being a parent; apparently it implies that we fail. But that also means that we're carrying a lot of the internal struggle alone. What point is there in that, when the vast majority of us go through the same things?

It's so easy to filter ourselves - both in person and online. I believe in being honest and real with people. It is so important to acknowledge that we have our bad days too. We can't be perfect all of the time. Even half of the time. Or any of the time. And we should support each other to realise that and give ourselves a break.

Today, I suck at life. And that's okay.