Failure [a reflection]

I have no problem with learning from mistakes - as someone just out of adolescence, I have a full and thorough understanding of how to avoid making the same one twice.

But failure - that's another story.

Last week I had one of those heart-shattering experiences. One that makes you doubt what you're doing, why you're doing it, and whether you're actually cut out for it. I'm not going to go into the details, but it was for placement and my first real attempt at executing something I had planned on my own.

On paper,my plans looked great. Well thought out and carefully planned.

In practice, I bombed out spectacularly.

Prior to this, I had been living in a safe little cocoon, one where I knew my strengths and weaknesses, my skills and abilities - and never strayed from them. I plan until things all work out beautifully hypothetically, and then I plan some more, just in case. Over the past twelve months I have been doing a lot of personal development in this area, through my study, placements and during the Wodonga City Council's Youth Leadership Program. I had learnt to trust my gut, felt my own ideas had credit, and was just starting to ease myself out of my comfort zone.

On that day last week, I wanted to shut myself away in study and housewife land where it was safe and never, ever venture out again. 

I was mad at myself for putting myself out there, to just fall flat on my face. I was upset that I didn't perform at the standard I had expected myself too. I was anxious at the idea of having to return and try again. I feared all of that hard work I had put in over the past twelve months had been unraveled and wasted. 

It's been almost a week, and I've had a lot of time to reflect. 

I'm actually now thankful for the experience. I have already learnt to tackle this thing I plan from a different angle, and to have contingencies. Sure, I'm beyond anxious about returning again soon, but I'm building resilience by doing so.  

And really, if that's how bad failure (in this context, I'm sure there's a lot worse out there) feels, then hey, I can handle it.

I started thinking about the people I admire and what they have achieved. I'm sure they had many set-backs and I doubt they were perfect on their first day.

Someone at Leadership last year actually said to me "don't be afraid of failure". I'm really thankful for that simple piece of advice, a seed really, that was planted back then.

So this experience has turned into something that symbolises other parts of my life. Time to put myself back out there, I have a lot more to give.

Update: Operation Nanna

First of all, let me clear up one small misunderstanding from the previous post:

When I said I was crocheting blankets and would love people to join me, I didn't specifically mean you had to learn to crochet! If you already know how to knit or have other handy skills and would like to help out - that's fantastic! However, if you would like to challenge yourself in learning something new, by all means go for it! 

Now, the good stuff.

I have been in contact with the lovely people at the Carevan Foundation and they would love to take donations. I asked what other things would be handy for them and they suggested scarves, gloves and beanies. So if you have limited time or yarn - there's a perfect project for you! 

If you're feeling particularly creative, they would also love knitted or sewn bears, bunnies, etc. to go in hampers at Christmas time.

At this point in time I would simply love to be challenged and see how much I can get together by the end of the month. If you're interested in helping out, please have a chat to me. And make sure you check out the Carevan Foundations website and have a look at their good work, particularly their programs.

Have a beautiful day. xx

Hey Mum - I Get It Now

Mother's Day is just around the corner. It's not something that is heavily celebrated in my family; really, being appreciative of your mother is something that should probably be displayed daily.

I started composing a little list in my mind this morning. In the same vein as mothers day, I'd like to dedicate it to my mother.

Stuff That Drives Me Crazy (That I Just Realised My Mother Probably Had To Put Up With Too)

1. Being yelled at from the other end of the house. 
2. Having to share my shower.
3. Being yelled at from the other end of the house on the rare occasion I do get to shower on my own.
4. Planning something you're so sure your child will enjoy, and on that particular day they show no interest in the activity at all.
5. Answering the same question fifty billion times in five minutes.
6. Answering the same question fifty billion times all over again ten minutes later.
7. The child enjoying food prepared one way, but detesting it another. i.e. corn on the cob vs loose. Potatoes cut up to look like chips vs. potato any other way.
8. Having to look after everyone in the house when they're sick. But when I am sick, a) there is no one to look after me and b) I still have to look after everyone else.
9. My child choosing to ask for something to eat every time I go to the bathroom. Seriously kid, I'm trying to pee.
10. Stalling at bed time.
11. Procrastinating in the morning over getting ready, when the child knows that after they get ready, they can have/do something they want.
12. The fact that we are so very particular about how certain things have to be, yet we are incapable of tidying up our playthings.
13. The fact that 99% of my "coffee dates" with friends now end up in a toy department so we can finish our conversation.
14. Being out of routine means the world is close to ending.
15. The fact that I actually spend my spare time thinking these lists up.

So, thanks mum for putting up with this nonsense from my siblings and I. 

I get it now, we really were pains in the butt.

Operation Nanna

[ EXPRESSIONS OF INTEREST. ]

North-East Victoria, how chilly is it lately?! This time of year always makes me a little sad. Not because the days are shorter or it's gloomy out. I find myself shivering on the couch, thinking about those who are out on the streets this time of year. I have blankets and a gas heater I can flick on whenever I want, and yet I still complain about the cold. How silly is that?

A little while ago, when I was trying to give up smoking, my mother taught me to crochet. Lately it's become a bit of an obsession. I'm on something like my fourth blanket. I have no need for any crochet goods right now, and I'm not talented enough to do anything more than create blankets for the time being. So I thought I'd make them purely for the sake of donating to organisations who help those in need. 

Then, I got thinking. I can only crochet so many warm creations myself. How fantastic would it be if more people got together, and we were able to make a decent donation? If ten people gave a blanket, that's ten blankets (or hats. or anything else for that matter). People are funny with giving money away (which is their right), but this is a practical way to give a little. I was thinking to an organisation like Albury Wodonga's Carevan, but I'd be open to suggestions of other local charities.

We could even make a social occasion out of this. I am always up for a latte and a chat. 

I know of a few who are talented with yarn, so let me know if you're interested. I'll still be spending my evenings going 'round in squares making blankets regardless.

Have a splendid evening x

Hello, Reality.

Most of the time, it is all too easy to keep on The Face. You know the one - The Mother Face.
The face that says "Hi, I'm a parent and I handle everything super well and everything is wonderful and I'm amazing at life".

Today is not one of those days.

I woke up this morning with big storm clouds swirling around in my head. I can't remember the last time I got a decent nights sleep - pretty sure I was awake every two hours last night. My house is a disaster zone, I haven't been on top of housework all week. I have a to-do list a mile long, and half the things on that list are half-planned and confusing. I have two assessments to start. I feel like I'm not spending enough time engaging with Boo. I haven't been looking after myself well lately.

Life is starting to spiral out of control and I am struggling to get it together.

I'm stressed, tense, anxious and starting to show my warning signs of a relapse into depression.

I am far from functioning well.

So why am I posting this?

I'm not after sympathy. I'm not even really whinging and moaning about life. And I'm certainly not after any kind of help. In fact, I already have a management plan ready to go.

A lot of the time I feel there is so much pressure on mothers to appear to function perfectly.To be the best mother. The best housekeeper. To work or study or both, and to thrive. To have a social life. To balance it all perfectly. And so that's what we show the world.

Who does all this pressure come from? Good Question. Probably everywhere - other mums, media, etc etc etc. But mostly - I think it comes from ourselves.

No one really wants to admit that they struggle being a parent; apparently it implies that we fail. But that also means that we're carrying a lot of the internal struggle alone. What point is there in that, when the vast majority of us go through the same things?

It's so easy to filter ourselves - both in person and online. I believe in being honest and real with people. It is so important to acknowledge that we have our bad days too. We can't be perfect all of the time. Even half of the time. Or any of the time. And we should support each other to realise that and give ourselves a break.

Today, I suck at life. And that's okay.

My Monster

Four years ago I was given one of the greatest blessings I will ever receive.

I'm not really one for seriously sentimental, over-sharing blogging. But today, I might make an exception. Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones, but I'm feeling quite moved.

Before Boo came along, life was looking very different. I'm not going to go into huge detail, but long story short: I was a mess. Every day was dictated by mental illness, and I honestly could not say where I was headed.

Of course, there were huge doubts about my coping abilities - and I would never, ever recommend parenting as a form of therapy for young people. 

But from the time I discovered I was pregnant, things started to turn around. Nothing has ever been perfect, and nothing ever will be. But I found life again.

Life wrapped up in this little bundle of crazy.

She is crazy and fiery and full of attitude. 

She's loving and thoughtful and compassionate.

She is cheek and laughter and silly.

She is dancing and colour and mess.

In four years, she has taught me so much. 

Patience. Joy. How to love. The importance of family. Letting go. Enjoying simple things. Laughter. How much I can actually do - how far I can go - if I just try.

Don't get me wrong - she drives me absolutely insane. There is no way we have a perfect mother-daughter relationship (because that doesn't exist).

But despite that, I am so thankful to have this little monster.

She's the spark in my world, that little added colour. 

Life would never have turned out so wonderful without her.

Happy Birthday, Miss Boo.

I love you.

Update: Inspiration - I Has It.

Unfortunately, I didn't share any of it with you. Which is very naughty of me.

To make up for that, here's a little insight into some of the things that inspire me.

My Husband.

Beautiful man. Beautiful Mind. 

Boo.

Little ball of energy, joy, and attitude.

Family.

Passion. Brave. Compassion. Thoughtful. Laughter. Love.

Thought Provoking. Dream.

I currently have three - yes, THREE! - projects I would love to explore.

If you have had much to do with me, you will know that I am quite scatterbrained and all over the place. 

So, please: be patient, stay tuned and watch this space. 

I hope to be sharing my thoughts with you very soon. 

In the mean time - take care, be good to each other, and find a decent coffee. 

Life is beautiful.